but why me?

I mentioned in a previous post that learning you have a terminal disease gives you a new perspective on life, the universe and everything. One of the first questions to present itself was "why me?" The why me question is a serious one.

The question is serious because it comes packed with faulty implications and assumptions. The most toxic implication is that somehow God is responsible for bungling my life. He has interfered and made a mess of things. The most deceptive assumption is that my basic rights have been neglected or abused.

Its a natural point of view, for Americans at least, to value the statements in the Declaration of Independence that all mankind has basic rights including life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. In the last 50 years we have modified our perception of what this to mean a long and healthy life, freedom to do whatever we want, and material success. And we deserve it and are entitled to it.

When things go other than as I expected, a financial difficulty or a serious illness for example I can become disgruntled with God or antagonistic toward those people around me or I can despair. Despair is sort of the quicksand of the soul. Slip into it and you may be caught for months at a time. The third chapter of Lamentations describes someone who sounds like he has been snared by despair.

"I am the man who has seen affliction
Because of the rod of His wrath.
He has driven me and made me walk
In darkness and not in light.
Surely against me He has turned His hand
Repeatedly all the day.
He has caused my flesh and my skin to waste away,
He has broken my bones.
He has besieged and encompassed me with bitterness and hardship.
In dark places He has made me dwell,
Like those who have long been dead.
He has walled me in so that I cannot go out;
He has made my chain heavy.
Even when I cry out and call for help,
He shuts out my prayer."

His perception of things is that everything is hopeless..."Why me?"
Fortunately for him, he rejects the despair option and comes to His senses.

"This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,
'Therefore I have hope in Him.'
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him.
It is good that he waits silently
For the salvation of the LORD."

When I want to say "Why me?" what I really need to do is recall how God has treated me in the past. (What, you haven't been paying attention to God's goodness?! Its time to start). The odd thing about this approach is that I inevitably find myself thinking along these lines

"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
That both good and ill go forth?
Why should any living mortal, or any man,
Offer complaint in view of his sins?
Let us examine and probe our ways,
And let us return to the LORD.
We lift up our heart and hands
Toward God in heaven;"

in other words - "Why me? Why not me? After all, what have I done to deserve anything from God?"

And I start to understand what Paul meant when he claimed he had become content with whatever God brought along for the day.

This is the day the Lord has made...and it is full of surprises, new kindness to me...

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness."

the calling of Matthew

The Calling of Matthew by Caravaggio is one of my favorite paintings. It captures the very core of Christianity.

The record of the historical event as told by Matthew simply states that Jesus came to Matthew and said "Follow ME!"

Matthew left all that he had and followed Jesus. It would have been a considerable fortune. Matthew collected taxes for Rome and could charge whatever he wanted, with the military backing of Rome.

In the painting Matthew, the fellow at center table pointing to himself, is busy taking the cash of some dejected commoner. He still has the coins in hand.

Jesus invades this event, coming right into Matthews house or office. He hadn't been invited, you can tell from the confused and concerned expression on Matthews face. Notice that Matthew is the only one aware of the drama unfolding between himself and Jesus. And he rightly recognizes that the focus of Jesus attention is only him. This man, the one with the commanding presence, has hunted and found Matthew.

What is this core of Christianity I referred to earlier? Jesus seeks us even if we don't seek Him. It is absolutely critical to have the correct response. Jesus is not negotiating with Matthew. Jesus isn't asking for suggestions on how best Matthew will partner with Him. We have nothing of interest to Jesus except our attention.

The call is "Follow Me". Matthew is not being requested to align his vast wealth with the Jesus cause. He is not needed for his charm or orginational expertice or his infectious bubbly personality. Matthew is not being asked to contribute anything. In the Gospel accounts he leaves it all behind.

It is the same for me as I near the conclusion of this chapter of my life. I are not being asked to join an organization or subscribe to a specific set of beliefs or behaviors. Jesus is not pleading or making offers, He is the King and as such has come to claim what is rightfully His. Simply put, He
commands us to see for ourselves who He is.

This is important, notice in the painting, Jesus calls us into shadows and darkness. He does not promise success or health, friendship or fame. The only certainty in the darkness He calls me into is Himself. He calls me to follow Him because Jesus intends to walk with me. He will be there in the uncertainty asking only that I trust Him and follow.

One last look at the painting. Jesus calls me into the shadows but He has come from the Light behind Him. His kingdom. It is my true home.