on the journey

this collection will mostly be the rambling thoughts of someone (me) with a short time to live

what this blog is about

It was raining the day I learned I had cancer. Not a hard, stormy rain but a soft gentle rain, like tears.

Both my wife and I took the news the way we usually do, reflecting not reacting, and the ride home was quiet. We weren't precisely stunned; the outcome only clarified what was obvious. Still, moving from a sunny healthy image of myself to somethings not right inside me to I have a few months to live gives you a different outlook.

The glumness of the rain augmented the glumness of my thoughts. My life ambled past my mind in a random sort of way. It wasn't a collection of events and activities from my life in a time line presentation though. It was a nebulous summary of whether or not I had been wise in the way I had used my time. Not accusing me (I think that God's Spirit was the author of this reflection and He doesn't accuse the beloved) but asking me to consider what I had missed because of what I had chosen.

My wife and family frequently were replaced by things that were nothing but dust. Very entertaining and interesting dust but of no value. The ability to love and enjoy my family and friends, the single most valuable skill I could learn, I apparently didn't really believe to be very essential since my focus was elsewhere so often.

I have since taken feeble steps to correct this particular vice. Better late than never I say. I have a few months to become skilled at the only thing that matters in the next part of my journey.

Oh - about the rain - it didn't take God long to employ His quirky sense of humor to remind me that I actually like rain, always have. It is restful, it cleanses, it nourishes it makes things grow.


So I have cancer eh; time for a fresh look at things; there are most certainly great and wondrous things that God has planned!

Monday, August 24, 2009

I hope this makes sense...

One of the saddest parts of this illness is having to quit working. I understand the medical reasons but still, its hard not to see your friends.

The directors of the IT department where I had worked for nearly 10 years in the world's most perfect job came by a while back for a visit and I enjoyed the visit immensely. It was good to see them again and they brought news of a "farewell gift" due to arrive some time next week. It would be, or so they said, a robotic chicken! Now THAT'S impressive.

I knew that a chicken of any sort would not cluck it's way to my door, but something would be arriving. My friends said so. I had that hope.

Hope is absolutely essential for a healthy soul. Without hope a person falls into depression, despair, anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. Hope is like light in all that darkness. For someone with cancer, it can be a motivating force to pursue whatever needs to be done for recovery.

It seems to me that there are three sorts of "hope" running about and two are not friendly.
One can be accidental or it can be fraud. It occurs when someone latches onto false information.
"If I continue this diet of leftward rotational crumberry pods and sleep in a yogurt encrusted sweatshirt I'll be ok in 3 weeks".

It happens all the time and probably should be it's own infectious disease. Dieing from false hope. Believing something to be true when it's not.

Just as frequent is the mistaken idea that merely believing something makes it true. People do this all the time. If I want it to be true it will be true.

"Did you make reservations at the restaurant?" she asks.
"No... but there should be an empty table" he reply's.
"With reservations we could have parked in valet parking!"
"There are some alleys a few blocks away, we'll be ok" he mumbles.
"I hope so" she whispers

Trusting in the imaginary, in a wish, is deadly. It's not real hope.

Hope does not depend on what we believe. Hope is built on the trustworthiness of someone or something. I have the hope, I can expect, to find a package delivered to me. My hope is because the Directors said so and they are my friends. Its based personal experience, they are truthful and dependable people.

I have another hope. It is built on the trustworthiness of God. I didn't make this up, it is just one of the truths of the Universe like gravity. The wonder of this hope is that God loves me! Because of that I know that whatever happens with this cancer thing God is waiting in delighted anticipation for me to be with Him.

"The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
And He delights in his way.

When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand" Psalm 37:23,24
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